


a million pieces

by eruriotica (minxiebutt)



Series: godfather [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:14:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24210415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minxiebutt/pseuds/eruriotica
Summary: Mike loved Erwin, but he had to let Erwin go twice. (snapshots through the years before 'godfather' from Mike's perspective)
Relationships: Nanaba/Mike Zacharias
Series: godfather [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1256141
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	a million pieces

**Author's Note:**

> "it breaks my heart into a million pieces; if it's gonna break me, won't you let me go?" -bastille

It weren’t supposed to turn out like this, but Mike refuses to stay in this small stretch of Montana, striving for nothing in particular. He’s commissioned into the Marine Corp as a second lieutenant, and leaves for duty with an unrequited wave to his two best friends. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but he’s not gonna hold Erwin’s heart against him, not anymore. Erwin’s found a girl that makes his eyes light up in ways Mike hasn’t seen in years, and if she wants them to settle down here and start a family, then Mike ain’t got nothing to say except a congratulations. 

Nile’s doing the same things, too. It was supposed to be the three of them doing this together, serving their country in military careers, but Mike’s on his own. 

That’ll all be fine. His parents are proud of his hard work, and now with his three younger brothers all in college, Ma’s finally pursuing her own. Mike supposes that he’s lucky to have a family full of support like his, especially if he can’t have his friends.

At first, Erwin keeps in contact with him, best friends but in distance. Mike’s the first to find out when Marie gets pregnant. He’s stationed in Japan, and the international minutes must cost Erwin a fortune, but he says he can’t wait, he’s got to tell Mike immediately. It’s not usual, but Erwin is scared, scared and unprepared for this, feeling sick to his stomach about something that makes Marie so happy.

“We need to get married before the baby’s born,” Erwin’s voice crackles over the line, half-an-hour of closeness that they haven’t had in a couple of years while Mike’s been so far away. “We’re going to keep this secret for as long as we can, but it’s the right thing to do. I’ve got to be a man, Mike. I’ve got to own up to this.”

“How’d it happen, I thought y’all used birth control?”

“She says she must’ve forgotten to take her pill a couple times.” Erwin heaves out a heavy sigh, and as if he’s trying not to be heard, adds, “I don’t know, Mike. We’ve never even had a scare, and now… this.”

“You’re gonna be alright,” Mike tells him again. He doesn’t mean to take on the voice he uses with his subordinates, but it comes naturally now. “You’re gonna go to the courthouse, get eloped, and tell everybody you’re having a baby, and it’ll all be okay.”

“I can’t do that, Mike, not without you,” Erwin murmurs. “I gotta have you here.”

In that moment, Mike lowers the phone receiver and closes his eyes against the tight pain in his chest. When he does speak, he’s matching Erwin’s level of quiet. “It’ll be months, Erwin. I’d have to put in for leave, wait for the request to be approved, and then fly back.”

“I’ll wait-- we’ll wait,” Erwin promises. “We’ll, I don’t know, we’ll just have to come clean about this. We’re not gonna hide this, it’s the nineties for god’s sake! We can have a wedding, and I’ll wait for you to be my best man.”

With Erwin counting on him, Mike doesn’t drag his feet. He gets there as soon as he can, but Marie’s getting closer and closer to the due date. She’s glowing and showing, grumpy with discomfort but putting on a good face for the fact that she’s finally getting married. It’s all a little hasty, only two week’s worth of notice to their guests, but finding out that Erwin’s best man is a Marine and the cause of the delay seems to take most of the heat off Marie for being pregnant at her own wedding. Mike thinks, maybe, it’s the least he can do, baring that scrutiny for ‘em.

;

He comes back stateside just a couple months later for the christening. He thinks he’ll miss it entirely, because of the rush to dedicate a child created out of wedlock, but Marie goes overdue by almost two weeks, so he arrives in Montana to wait at the hospital alongside everyone else. Despite being so late, Erwin’s baby girl is average and healthy, and Mike... watches Erwin’s happiness from afar. 

This ain’t his to share. It feels like Erwin’s trying to keep him in his life, but they’re moving apart. Ain’t nothing wrong with drifting. That’s natural, but just because it’s natural don’t mean the thoughts don’t hurt him still.

Mike is named the baby’s godfather, Marie’s best friend as godmother. There’s a gentle ribbing at brunch after the ceremony, not so subtle hints pushing the two together, but outside of socially expected chivalry, Mike wants nothing to do with the nice lady. He watches the long-gone love of his life kiss his wife and his daughter, and tries to be happy for them. This is what Erwin’s wanted all along-- to have a family, to have something he’d never’ve gotten to have with Mike. Especially not as military men. Mike knows how to step back. He’s gotta step back now, though it’s shredding his heart, though it’s the most painful thing he’s gotta come to terms with, he’s gonna do it. Erwin’s making good for himself. He ain’t gonna ruin that.

The conflicts abroad slowly get worse, and Mike finds himself too busy, too focused to pay any attention to Erwin anyway. Likewise, fatherhood, husbandhood, and adulthood in general seem to swallow his best friend, but Erwin takes to it like a fish in water. Can’t suffer through something he wanted all along.

Danger comes to loom over Mike. It becomes his new companion and life partner whose arms he takes solace in. Slowly, the pain of the loss of Erwin begins to fade from his mind, until Erwin begins to fade from his mind, until the low throb that’s always felt like a sore connective tissue in his heart heals over, doesn’t tug so tight with every beat. 

;

He’s a broken, burned man now. Six months ago, he was a lieutenant colonel on his way to full bird, a true military man, a teacher and leader of his Marines. Four months ago, the mission that they’d practiced countless times was hijacked and fucked, and though he carried it out to completion, he was the only one to come home.

His parents have left Montana for the Washington coast, but he can’t take that amount of change yet. Mike don’t know what he wants yet, but he wants to be near Erwin. 

He hasn’t been back here in twelve years, but it’s the only place he can bare to be when he’s released from rehabilitation. The city is so big and different, so much new development while he’s been away, too much stimulus for him these days, and he’s got a career’s worth of pay sitting in a bank account. He goes to a realtor and asks where he can buy land. There’s a little satellite town somewhere between a thirty to forty-five minute drive away, fenced by forest and plains. 

He gets into a welding program and finishes it at an accelerated pace, but the workload isn’t enough to drown out the PTSD, and goin’ into the city for treatment ain’t really within his comfort level. 

;

Nanaba looks just like Erwin did at this age, and Mike looks away quickly. She’s all gangly limbs and bushy eyebrows. And she needs him. Mike ain’t had a person need him like Nana, not ever. She’s worse than the privates fresh outta basic training, can’t do _nothing_ for herself. 

Mike ain’t never wanted kids. It’s never been in his cards, but Nana’s a full hand. 

There’s so much of Erwin in her, and Mike takes to his grief in his stunted way, but he can’t help Nana along in her own. 

He gets Erwin and Marie’s arrangements taken care of, but doesn’t go identify the bodies. He can’t see Erwin like this, not when he’s seen his own marines slaughtered afar. He can’t let his precious memories of Erwin become tarnished with a final image of him cold and dead and never coming back. He can deny it this way, can pretend that it’s not something that’s happened inside reality. It’s another one of his escapist fantasies, his therapist is always telling him to be careful of those. 

It’s a closed casket affair on a somber, bright, sunny Sunday morning. There’s not even a cloud in the sky, and yeah, Mike can keep pretending that it’s not his best friend’s funeral. 

Nana sits beside him, a small squeak of stature shadowed by his bulk. He doesn’t know how he’ll handle her. She’s tiny and young, soft-shelled and vulnerable in her cocoon of grief. How can he manage her mourning when he’s denying his own?

She’s got a short haircut, equal mix of Marie’s curls and Erwin’s sunshine blonde. The black dress is not new, but she looks like she’s not used to wearing it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her fuss with her tights several times, but makes no move to stop her. 

;

The first time Mike sees Nanaba Rose Smith, she’s a red-faced bundle, swaddled up in Marie’s arms and winning the hearts of everyone around her. Mike keeps his distance, not wanting yet to get sucked in by the infant’s magnetic charm. And Erwin, god, Erwin’s looking so proud and so in love and so fuckin’ happy. So _no,_ Mike ain’t gonna meddle in this life no more. Erwin’s got what he wants and he’s so happy with it. 

The next time Mike sees Nana, he’s taken back by what a gangly thing she is, tall for her age but still so little compared to himself. She looks up at him with puppy dog eyes, sea blue like Erwin’s, and for the first time in a long time, he’s overwhelmed by his desire to care for another person. 

The last time Mike sees Nana before dropping her off at college, his heart is breaking. He loves her like he’s never loved before, but she’s spreading her wings and growing up. He’s damaged her in a way that’s beyond repairable, but he’s not sorry and he’s not asking forgiveness in that. 

The first time he fucks her after bringing her back, broken-winged, to his nest, he knows that he will never let her go again. 

Mike loves Nana in the most selfish of ways, but she loves him, too, and the role he’s played in her life cannot be filled by another. He’s ruined her, and he knows it, and he’s gotta be the one to take care of her now.

  
  



End file.
